Getting back to God | Blogging doubts

Seapark, Holywood, Northern Ireland

I've gotta confess, I've written and re-written this blog post so many times...I feel like I have so much to say...but at the same time, I don't know how to say it...

I've been reflecting a lot recently; about myself, my life, my relationships and also my blog. For a little while my head was actually in a bit of a tizzy and I couldn't even clarify to myself what I was thinking or how I was feeling let alone write it all out in an easy to understand blog post.

Riverlights, Derby

A little bit of background for you: In July a lot of the groups and activities that I was involved in outside of work wound down and I suddenly found myself with a lot more free time than I was used to. I didn't think this was necessarily a bad thing, it actually gave me the opportunity to throw myself more into my blog and really try to make it into what I wanted it to be, however, after a while my life felt like it was starting to plateau a little and I wasn't really moving forward with the same energy and passion that I had when I first moved back to Derby. I reckon this is partly due to the fact that unknowingly my faith and my relationship with God were taking a bit of a back seat and they weren't really the driving force behind everything that I did anymore. I don't really know how it happened - I think part of it was because Alpha and the prophetic arts group that I was attending had ended for the Summer so I wasn't having those faith injections during the week...work was also getting quite busy and stressful so when it came to Sundays I didn't really have the energy to attend church. These are all excuses, I know, but honestly, I do find it hard being a Christian sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever regret being a Christian or resent Christianity, I'm just learning more and more that having a faith is like having a plant; it needs watering, pruning, light and love in order to grow...and what do all these actions take? A commitment of time and dedication.

Lady Dixon Park, Northern Ireland

So, with that said, I'm going to try and get back on track with my relationship with God again and hopefully that will get me moving out of this little slow period that I'm having! I'm not going to make excuses anymore on Sundays as to why I shouldn't go to church, I'm going to start a daily bible devotion thingy (if anyone has any reccomendations for this it would be much appreciated), I'm also going to try and bring God back into my blog again.


Now, this brings me round to part of why I got myself into a tizzy recently. It was actually a bit more than just a 'tizzy' to be honest; 'full on identity crisis' would be a better way of describing it but I didn't want to seem dramatic haha.

Seapark, Holywood, Northern Ireland

As you may have noticed, my blog posts over the last few weeks have been a lot more fashion and food focused rather than deep and reflective like they were back when I first started up this blogging venture. Again this may be partly due to the God situation that I just explained but I think it's also because my interest in fashion has been rapidly growing recently along with my enthusiasm for cooking and I've just wanted to share that.

Honestly, when I first started my blog I always wanted it to be about me - things that I liked, my fashion style, food that I make, places I go and also a bit of life sprinkled in there too including some God stuff. I wanted a place where I could express my love for all these things because I knew that on the career path that I was headed on, there wasn't really going to be room for those things. Basically I just wanted to share whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I started my blog towards the end of my time in Belfast and back then my posts were very spiritual and God heavy simply because that's what I wanted to talk about at the time and I had stuff to say about it. I also wasn't happy or creatively motivated back then, so I didn't cook, I didn't share my love for fashion, I didn't go anywhere or really do anything besides work so I didn't have anything else to talk about. Now that I'm in a better place mentally, emotionally and creatively I want to share my excitement for the little things in life that I enjoy...

But is that me being superficial? Am I actually just embarrassing myself by talking about the clothes that I like and sharing a little recipe for ice-lollies every now and then?

I've begun to doubt myself and doubt my blog. I always felt like I was writing this blog for me and being 100% true to myself but now I don't know anymore. I just keep asking myself "who am I writing this for?" "Who is actually reading this?" "Do I keep doing what I'm doing and just write what I want to write?" "Or do I tailor it more to suit what others want to see?" I have a fear of being judged now, which I never had before - it's as if my confidence in being myself has disappeared and I don't know how to get it back.

Port de Pollensa, Majorca

I'll be ok though. I'm just relying on God to help me get through this weird patch. I honestly don't know what the future for my blog is though...I want to keep sharing the different things that I'm interested in but I'm scared about how they will be perceived...hopefully God will help me with that one too! I've always been told as I was growing up, not to care about what others think of me...so perhaps I need to continue living by that and continue doing me! As long as I'm being true to myself and being true to God, then does anything else really matter?

Mount Stewart, Northern Ireland

To end this on a slightly lighter note though, I do have to say that there are some amazingly, fantasticly, wonderful things happening in my life and the lives of some people close to me right now and all I can say is that God really is good...I don't yet know what he's trying to tell me about myself yet but he's definitely still working in the background on lots of other things...and for that, I am thankful.


Maybe I'll share on here what's happening soon...


- S xo


Ps. These are all my own photos...like them?